A Child Pornography Addict Asking for Help
We publish here a very representative example of the calls for help we receive on a daily basis. The author, T, wrote again six months later to show how much the chance of being listened to and guided helped him.
First off thanks for the cause you fight for with your association.
I followed you for some time I saw you on TV and heard you on the radio a few times, and I read your site.
I admire you for what you did and do.
So I want to be anonymous (I’m very paranoid about this, I’m so afraid my email will be intercepted) so this address is an account I opened just for this and I will not write my name.
Im 27, I’m a man, almost no social life, very few friends and girlfriends, I almost never go out, Im bashful, reserved, low self-esteem, too kind, hardworking, I’m very close to my family and I still live with my mother as loneliness is hard on me.
I’m contacting you because my life is a living hell more and more every day!
Since I was 17 I’m attracted to boys between 7 and 12, and I’m addicted to porn videos, photos and drawings you can see on ill reputed sites online.
I really know that what I do is very bad, that it’s horrible to all those innocent children but I can’t stay away from those images and videos, or I fantasize about them while I’m near a school or in the street.
I don’t know if it’s genetic, my granpa touched little girls, he acted out and my uncle he was a weirdo and he never had a girlfriend in his life.
I often want to say “stop”, I erase everything I have on my computer, I go to dating sites, I try to be normal but it never lasts I crack again I re download and spend sometimes the whole night looking at this porn files on my pc, my tablet or even the smartphone.
I feel terrible everytime I go on those sites, and when I download despite all my anonimity programs I’m never safe. If my family found out it would be horrible! Then my nephew who is 2, what 5 years from now? Will I be able to not do anything to him?
If people knew I couldn’t stand it, Id rather shoot myself in the head. Everyday I live in fear of seeing the cops coming for me, or finding a letter in the box.
I can’t look at myself in a mirror, I’m totally paranoid, I can’t stand myself anymore, I disgust me,I can’t sleep, my work is suffering from it I had enough, I want out, I’m a big addict.
I finally got that hiding from the truth and burying my head in sand didn’t do anything
And still people close to me all love me and tell me I’m full of qualities but they don’t know my dark side.
Please help me Mrs Bennari I don’t want to be this monster anymore, I don’t want to hurt anyone, Id like so much to be like evryone else, to have a healthy life full of love.
I didn’t find on your site an adress of a therapist near me.
So I hope you will answer. Today I wiped my hard drive again. I hope this will be the last time with your help.
Thank you in advance.